Saturday, December 27, 2008

Words that warm like Hot Chocolate


So today I pick him up from his dad. A long drawn out goodbye and Kahlai did not want to give his dad a kiss.. I said he didn't HAVE to... and that he shouldn't be MADE to give kisses if he didn't want to.... which led to an argument through text that I quickly tried to diffuse.

I am officially tired of fighting... and tired of having to convince my son that mommy does in fact love him... and that I AM in fact his mommy. His dad denies telling him otherwise, but I know my son... and I am pretty sure he wouldn't make that up at 3 years old. I also know that his dad lies about most things... even stupid small stuff... so I struggle with believing him... especially when most of the questionable stuff can be proven otherwise... 99% of the time.

I just pray that next time he won't forget and can transition home more smoothly next visit... I miss just having special time because it is special time... and not having to make special time to fix a huge problem. My mom sat in my room for about 30 minutes today trying to help me convince Kahlai that Mommy loves him very much.... after he refused to believe it and kept repeating the opposite she suggested that I get him in therapy due to this outrageous act from his father and the affects that it is having on Kahlai... and me. I hate to think of my thre year old in therapy... but the result of not having professional help right now could be dangerous.

So after a lot of tears and hugs and a lot of time building his Thomas the train track bigger than ever before, he placed his hands on my face and twisted my head around to look directly in his eyes then said..

"Momma?.."
"Yes son?"
"You aww my bess-fwend and my buddy... and I luvzyoo Momma"

Oh my word... I had only heard stories of how the things your kids day warm your heart. You know I immediately broke out in more tears and he tells me to be happy... I tell him I am happy.. happy to have such an amazing little boy.
Having a three year old can be very challenging... there are sweet moments, but the molding moments outweigh those sweet ones sometimes.lol.

My heart filled up with warmth and I couldn't stop thinking about God's love. It is times like this when I remember that Kahlai is not MINE. He is not KEVIN'S either... the responsibility of raising him was placed in our hands.. but he belongs to GOD.

Kevin likes to try and rub it in my face all the time about all the nice stuff that he can buy for Kahlai and how Kahlai will love him and want to live with him eventually because of that... material things have never weighed heavily in my life and so I could care less.... but when that subject gets brought up I always remember what my friend Amy said to me one time...

She said, We are not here on this earth to be rich or to have lots of stuff or have a contest in spoiling our children. We are here to create a relationship with God and to help our children and our families know HIS love.. starting with us... we are the vessels upon which we should show God's love. I'll never forget that Amy.. thank you.



We will continue to pray... and get lots of rest... we have the whole day tomorrow... we can go do anything we want... just me and my boy... and the frigid weather conditions! So if we decide not to do anything at all... (Except for church)...that's just fine with me too... I'm ready to reconfigure another track design and race Thomas and his friends around for however long he likes..... or perhaps go take his scooter or his bike out for a spin... whatever he likes... the cleaning and the laundry can wait.. I'll be once again in mommy and son rehab.... I'll do whatever it takes to protect my sweet boy... and I MEAN IT!

Oh what a week!


God is good all the time... and all the time God is good. SOOO GOOD! I have not had a chance to blog since Christmas flew in out of no where! I, like everyone else, was rushing at the last minute to get everything and everyone on the list... at least the people that I could put on my list this year.


Last weekend was extremely bitter sweet for me. It was Kahlai's first weekend away from mommy... and it has been almost 2 years since he spent a night away from me so I was a little off for a couple/few days. First night at his dad's, he didn't go to sleep until almost 11pm! They had some "stuff" to do... umm.. okay. So I designed myself a business card Friday night and am very excited to pass these out next time I have the oppertunity!


Saturday morning I took a parenting information program. It's required for anyone going through family court. Lots of very good info regarding what kids go through during this time. It really put some things into perspective for me regarding my son's digressing behaviors like potty training and such. I was so glad to have met other moms going through this and be able to send them info on scholarships and encourage them to go back to school and not be so sad.


Then.... after I got out I got a phone call from the ladies at (confidential info) ( A scholarship I have been applying for for 10 months or something like that... been a long time). I BROKE OUT IN TEARS when she told me that I had been awarded a scholarship for next semester!!!! Because this is on the web I cannot tell you how much but it certainly made me cry! I have squeezed out every dime in school loans to pay for my attorney, I honestly barely paid both my tuition and my attorney with the loans, I am so relieved to have this... you just have no idea. Thank you to the ladies that helped me with my application...Sandra Waldron and Virginia Ryan... and HHSM.. they referred me to them!


So needless to say, all day Saturday I was very excited... missing my boy but very excited to see the fruits of my faith in God's work in my life...


Saturday night I had an event to go to for HHSM. It was a "bring your kids" to go on a shopping spree with Javon Walker and some other players from the Oakland Raiders for Christmas. Kevin wouldn't allow me to pick Kahlai up for this event so I was told to just come by myself and explain. So... I did. I got dressed... showed up.. and was fine until the 18th time I had to explain why my darling boy wasn't there with me. When everyone was leaving to head to the mall, I broke down. I couldn't do it. I was already worried about my baby and missed him so much. I excused myself and called in the "friend squad" to have some girl time to talk about stuff over some food. I'm so blessed to have good friends through this time.


Sunday... more of learning photoshop at a friend's house and finally picked my boy up in the evening... a moment I thought would relieve me of all my worries, but it did just the opposite. I picked him up and he told me I wasn't his mommy! Then he kept repeating that "Mommy doesn't love me"!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it... my heart was broken. I missed him so much and was looking forward to a big giant hug and some sweet kisses! He screamed at me and was yelling "mommy doesn't love me" the whole way home.... I just cried. When we got home, he hit and kicked me for an HOUR! I didn't know what to do! He was so convinced that I didn't love him... and that I wasn't his mommy!


I'd like to thank Kevin Williams for your fantastic job of brainwashing our son for 3 days!


I'd also like to thank the Justice system for once again failing in regards to what is in the best interests of a child!


What a rainy week eh? Rain, rain, rain..... and freezing cold too! I think it's God's way of making sure that there is nothing else to do but stay snuggled in with my baby boy... just nice and cozy and warm... and I don't care what goes on right now... it can all wait... I'm Dr. mom... or at least trying to be.


Please pray for us. What his dad is doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I don't know how to undo it.... I don't know if I ever could... I can only love him... but whatever his dad said to him for 3 days... must have been impactful.


So he had his Wednesday night visit.... which If it were up to me.. he wouldn't have gone.. by Tuesday he was back to my sweet boy... Wednesday night... he was amped up on sugar ( 7:30 pm).. again. Thanks Kevin!


Thursday morning..... a new day... not my day or a day to reflect on the chaos... just a day to take for the lord. I had been explaining to Kahlai that Christmas was Jesus's birthday and he thought it was very nice of him to let us have gifts... he's still not quite sure about the santa thing.... I just told him that God elected a party planner for the day... Santa's his name and gifts are his game! lol... he's not sold on Santa... and I'm not pushing it!


Christmas was wonderful! I am so grateful to all of my "Santas" this year.... Kahlai was spoiled rotten! Well, I guess I can't say rotten..... he is so extremely grateful to have had so much. I don't think I've ever had a Christmas like this... and neither has Kahlai! ALl the gifts combined were more than he could ever have asked for.... so many wonderful things and he just loves them all! I too got some wonderful things and was very shocked to open a few.... what angels! Some people just have no idea how much they do in some one's life... just by being a friend.... a helping hand.... a voice of reason.... or a secret santa...


Thank You.... to all of you.. you are wonderful!


So Kahlai left at 1:30 to go with his dad for the court ordered 6 hours.... he wouldn't tell me what time he wanted until 12:30am! His family was eating at 4pm... so he wanted the evening hours... well.. I wanted him to be able to open up his gifts and have a little time to play with them before he had to leave so I agreed.... 1:30 IT IS... and he didn't bring him back until 8:30!


Just found out tonight that he didn't even take him over to see his family!!!!! So when I asked Kahlai what he did instead, he told me that he spent Christmas with Daddy, brother and Joan.... oh yes.. Joan.... Joan is his dad's new girlfriend... (that he denies)....that showed up in court to tell everyone about what a "great father" Kevin is.... what the HECK does she know?


For the past week Kahlai keeps telling me about his "sister"... uh.. excuse me.......who? I think it's all starting to come together now...


Perhaps his dad is "gifting" Kahlai and Kerron a new "mother" and a "sister"... hmmm.. HOw NiCe! I feel the urge to warn this woman! I wouldn't wish this man on my worst enemy... but (deep breath) I will continue to pray for his heart.


I am still tired from eating so much.. the left overs are awesome! I am emotionally eating right now and am not too proud to admit it. I've torn down the equivalent of a half of a pecan pie... some pineapple upside down cake, plate of cookies the neighbors brought over.... some banana cream pie, and lots of homemade FUDGE!


Lord help me please.... no really... please suppress my sweet-tooth.... and my cravings for my mom's left over mashed potatoes at 1 am!


okay okay.. enough talking about sweets... I'm going to bed.... or am I? Hmmm... I hear that Pecan pie calling my name... but I'm gonna be a good girl... Kahlai's got his Saturday visit with his dad tomorrow.... augh I wish I wasn't sick to my stomach about this.


P.s. Sorry for such a depressing post... and thank you if you read through the whole thing. :)


Thursday, December 18, 2008

To whom much is given, much is expected.


Holy Moley! Tonight was one of the most amazing night EVER!!!!! Thank you so much Helping Hands For Single Moms for yet again affording me amazing opportunities.
(Very Happy Angelique in this photo ---->)

First let me back up. Do you know what Helping Hands for Single Moms is? HHSM is an organization founded by Chris Coffman to help aid single mothers while they go to school. It started as a mission from his church and has now grown to be such an AMAZING organization! Joanne Grady and Chris Coffman are ANGELS... you can't verify this just by meeting them as they are very humble people and keep their wings tucked in when in public ( I'm sure of it). Their level of commitment to the moms of HHSM is incredible and I thank God for them both. Let me just say that they have a way about them that attracts fabulous people. People who are looking to make a difference in the lives of people like.. ME! How wonderful? SO WONDERFUL! If you are sitting there reading this and think that I am "lucky" then think again.. it is only through the grace of God that I have been lead by the hand by these people to the events that are hosted for them... affording me opportunities to share my goals and be encouraged by so many. For more info please check out http://www.helpsinglemoms.org/.

Ok, so let's get on with why tonight was so great... well to start off, I went to a fundraising event for HHSM. A retail therapy for a cause mobile boutique called SWANK hosted the event for us in DC Ranch. Tandy and Kristen were the ladies names and they are such loving and generous women.. and here is why. They only have this business to help causes... they team up with different causes, sell merch and donate the proceeds. Tonight was a raffle and a silent auction and I am pretty sure that they ( I guess it would be.. HHSM) did very well. HHSM shared the event with the Phoenix Rescue Mission.. which everyone should read up on the tremendous things they are doing to make a difference as well.... what an amazing bunch!

So I'm there to talk about HHSM... and I did... and God kept sending people there to talk to me. It went kind of like this.. "Oh Hi! Are you one of the Moms?" "Yes I am!".."What are you in school for" ( I would answer)... "Oh! Hunny come here... you have to meet my husband.. he' s an architect..."... " Come meet my friend.. he's an architect"... "Please meet Rebecca.. she's a fabulous designer..." ...."I'm going to introduce you to the Architect responsible for the D.C Ranch Development.." HOLY MOLEY!

Tons of conversation.. lots of guidance.. and most importantly... CONTACTS that CARE! (or at least I think that they do)...the icing on the networking cake was a lady named Lori who took me under her wing and told me that it wasn't enough to just meet these people... I needed to know how to turn this all into opportunities... SHE IS SO RIGHT! Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you Jesus! Nothing better than following through...!

So just when you think it's over.. and I'm sure you are with me on thinking that this is pretty great!... It get EVEN BETTER! you ready for this?

So even though this was a night to help raise funds for HHSM... I got a gift card to go eat out.. WHOO HOO!!! I've been wanting to go take Kahlai out to eat and celebrate my AA!! I can't afford to right now... but now I have no choice.. I MUST go eat out... this card is only for a restaurant of my choice... it's one of those... "pick where you'd like out of four or five options" kind of gift card.. AND just last weekend Chris gave us FREE tickets to Zoo Lights... Come on son... mommy's taking her baby out!

but wait there's more...

(drum roll please....)

I'm talking with Tandy's husband who at the time was guiding me on my career goals... (amazing conversation)... and Tandy comes over and tells me that she and Kristen want us moms to pick ANYTHING we want from the boutique merch and take it home.... umm.. come again? ANYTHING? Yes folks... AN_EE_THING. So.... in that moment I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm not a designer jeans kind of gal... nor am I am purse lady or a designer dress lover... this momma had her eye on these scarves and this one bracelet from the moment I walked in... and guess who got one of those fabulous scarves? Oh YA! ME!!! YAY! It is an Italian Mossoni Foulard green and blue flame stitch scarf that makes me feel like a million bucks. It was not the most expensive thing I could have picked, but if you know me, I am simple, easy to please and ..... rather cheap... however, this scarf was not! It was nothing that I could ever been able to afford... nothing I probably would ever buy with the price tag @ $220!!!! WHAT? Santa? No Jesus... thank you for the early Christmas gift!

Oh WOW! It is so awesome to see Gods gifts.. literally... in my life... and to be able to share with others. And I got that opportunity too. Chris and Joanne took us out to dinner afterwards. Emmis and Toyia ( two of the moms that came tonight) came with us and we sat there sharing stories, advice, and ministering to one another. I was amazing to have the opportunity to speak to these two amazing moms and be a vessel for God's word. I, for the first time, felt just like God spoke through me with encouraging words and ministered to them... it was awesome. We lifted each other up, laughed and shared so much. I told some funny stories about my sister whom I am so very proud of... she makes me laugh and keeps me encouraged... I realized tonight that I need to be more encouraging for her! I love you sister.
I am thankful to HHSM for moments like this... if you could only be a fly on the wall and see the things that this organization breeds in the moms that are involved... it is amazing... AWWmazing... and I thank God for each and every person that has a hand in this organization (big or small) it helps so much!

So I will follow up... and I will wear this scarf like no one has ever worn a scarf before... and I will thank God every day for everyday and all that he has and is doing in my life... I will not doubt that he knows what he is doing in regards to Kevin, Kerron and my sweet Kahlai. I will pray over my son every DAY and not just at night anymore... I will continue to pray for my dear Kerron. I will recieve these blessings knowing that God giving so much to me right now so that I can be a blessing to others. I can't wait till I am on the other side of this one day... and I am able to make such a difference in someone's life... a mom's life... but first I will start at home and begin with praising my mom for being such an ANGEL... you know.. not only does she have eyes in the back of her head.. she has wings too you know... and that is why I am able to do the things I can do.. my amazing and supportive mom. Love you Mom.

(sigh)... ok just had a slap of reality hit me...

oh boy....back down from cloud nine....

Kahlai goes for his first ever weekend visit with his dad tomorrow. The first ever weekend away from mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... I can feel myself melting as I type this... I don't want him to go.......especially because I will worry... and what if he misses mommy and can't come home? and what if he just wants to talk to me and he won't let him? and..... and...... this morning I noticed he is trying to come down with something... guess my early Christmas celebration and my AA pancakes with Amy will have to wait. (Sad face). I'm gonna go snuggle in with my baby... I need the snuggle time right now... cuz I'm sure gonna miss that sweet face.

Oh dang.. speaking of.. I can hear him coughing.. gotta run..

~Night.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tis the season to be ....Jolly!


I know it is... I know that I should be beaming with Joy celebrating the birth of our savior, but for a moment I am sentimental... emotional... and only thinking of sad things (and myself) for some reason. I guess now that my mind isn't on auto-pilot anymore... it's hitting home for me that the holidays will be split 50/50 from now on. Kahlai goes to his dad's for an entire weekend on Friday and I am beside myself, I've cried on and off all day. I saw Kerron in the car with their dad tonight and I begged him to let me give him a hug, or at least tell him that I love and miss him, he wouldn't... said I walked out on Kerron too when I left his dad and therefore I can't speak to him anymore. What- ever... Kerron I will find a way sugar... I miss you. I know the picture is old.. but it's one of my favorites... it reminds me of our special times when we were a family... well at least me, you and brother... good times.. and lots of picnics!

So I started thinking back to the last Christmas we all had together, and not that it was a good memory... but it was the last holiday we had together. Then I started thinking of what it would be like to be getting ready for a cozy holiday as a family instead of exchanging our child in a parking lot. Remembering what it was like to have family get-togethers instead of attending single mom meetings. And not that I don't like going, I love Helping Hands for Single Moms... they are ANGELS!!!!! Sometimes I just wish I wasn't one... and could give my son more... like a family... a mom AND dad.. in the same home and not on opposing ends of a court room.

My heart is sad for my son and his brother. I can't imagine what kind of sense they make of all of this. I am encouraged to know that in the end, they will understand... it may take a while, (deep breath) but they will understand... they will see.. that I loved them both too much to maintain that sort of spiritual pollution in my home.

For now, I will keep praying for the spirits of:

WISDOM: to help me to know the difference between what my mind, my heart and what God wants in each choice I make.

STRENGTH: to keep me strong when I want to fall apart at a slight suggestion.

COURAGE: to continue in this battle suited and booted in God's Armor and KNOW that HIS will will be done.

CLARITY: to see through the lies and manipulation.

OBEDIENCE: to the Lord for my son and myself. It is hard having to be the spiritual leader when I am still growing in my own relationship with God.... well.. do you ever stop growing? I think not.. but if the Lord had a basic training.. I think I would still be filling in my boots. It is hard to walk by him everyday when sometimes I want to be bitter and angry. I get frustrated as a mom and when my son won't listen to me I want to get mad that his dad is not around to back me up in healthy discipline. Then I eat a big slice of humble pie and remember why I am here, like this today... it was a choice that I made.. not HIM. I hope that when I die and am sitting down at the Golden Gates... that they have a show kind of like America's funniest home videos... and the show is called something like "FREE Will isn't CHEAP" and they show all the silly things I did and the lesson to follow... and I hope at that moment that God and I can sit back with an Angel Food cake and laugh about the whole thing... knowing that I had to go through it all to be close to Him.

FORGIVENESS: because even though I have forgiven once, does not mean that the same feelings don't come up when provoked... I have to remember that I have forgiven... and sometimes I am realizing that I have to forgive multiple times for the SAME THING! There are just some things that don't go away... for instance; Someone cuts in front of you in a line... forgiven! vs. Someone leverages a child from you as your "lesson" for breaking up with them... NOT SO EASILY FORGIVEN!

If you are one of the many that are praying for me through these times, these are some of the things that you can pray for... and if you are praying for other things... I would like to know what they are... please email me and tell me. I am interested to know if I'm missing anything important.. or what you may think I need... perhaps I should be praying for that too!?



I wish I could have made it to church tonight.... I think that now that school is out... I'm going to start attending some of the classes held at my church during the weekdays...Ahhh yes... I've been eyeing those bulletins at church all semester long... now is my chance... and I am blessed to be able to go.... thanks Mom!
Ok ok, enough blogging for today... time for bed now... and look! It's before 3am!
NICE! Tomorrow... a fun event with HHSMs... it's so nice to get out and get dressed up then filled up with encouragement... especially when I need it the most... like right now.... in my most emotional moments... during the holidays. Mmm Hmm... need encouragement.... and eggnog........ and FUDGE.. LOTS of homemade fudge!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Aaaand Breathe...


Oh Finally! Here it is.. the night I have been waiting for! Finally a moment to think... about stuff other than projects, papers and CAD drawings! lol. I am DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!! WHOO HOO! I have successfully completed my AA in Interior Design as of 3:57 pm today! When I think about what this means to me I just want to cry. Ok, honestly, I realize that it's only an Associates degree and that means I'm still not even half way to my academic goal... but this means so much more to me because....

I am accomplished. I am the first of my family to graduate... I am the first in my family to graduate from college even if it is just an Associates degree from a community college. WHO CARES? I am very proud of myself and so proud in fact that I try not to share with others how excited I am so that it won't appear that I am acting boastful or conceited.

I am in aww. In shock as a matter of fact because I tried to once convince a friend ( years a go) that college just isn't for some people... people like me. HA! It is! Before I took college seriously, I would look at my paycheck that think that I could do it without a college degree. Sure I could get a promotion, a bonus, a raise, but not something so priceless... you can lose a job any day.. but never your education.

I am blessed. I thank God for having such an amazing love for Kahlai and I. You are such a gracious God for giving me what it takes to endure the stresses I have faced over these past 4 years... especially in this past semester. I know that it is God who gives me the strength to withstand serious sleep deprivation, full time status in school.... and always .... the many tests dished out daily by my three year old. lol.

I am grateful. Grateful to have such an amazing support system in my friends and family. I have met so many wonderful people over this year and I just want to say thank you to all of you! All of your words of encouragement have meant so much and honestly kept me going through some pretty rough days... thank you.

I am forgiving. As hard as it is for me to write this right now, I am forgiving to someone who has made things more difficult than they need be. I am forgiving to him because it is what God wants for me to do. In forgiving him, for myself, I know that I can be forgiven and forgive myself for the things that I need forgiveness for.

Today I am relieved. I am ready to be able to spend some much needed quality time with my son who has needed it for a while now. Between preparing court documents, trying to find fast funds to pay my daycare lady, my attorney or doing homework, we don't get to do the things we used to. I can't wait... I miss my special time with my boy and I know he has missed that time with mommy too. I love him soooo much and I am grateful to have the time to spend with him.

I miss Kerron. I feel so bad that his dad won't let me talk to him. It's wrong to punish us both. I can't imagine what he must be feeling and I just miss having happy time with him. I haven't had as much time as I would like to be able to spend with him this semester, but if his mom will allow, I would love to pick him up for a day and catch a show... or just grab some lunch and... laugh... belly laughs like before the madness started... big smiles and kisses on the forehead.. Miss you Keronji.

Whew!

So ... on another note....
(Sigh)

The laundry pile is so large that we could rent a lift and hit the slopes but I'm tired. I just want to wake up in the morning, refreshed and ready to have a fun day with my baby boy.... while he still thinks it's cool to play with mom!

Night~

Monday, December 15, 2008

Welcome to our Blog!


Good Morning!


So I have jumped on the blogging bandwagon. I like to blog, journal, and express myself and now... I can post my thoughts for everyone to see! lol. I have been extremely busy in this past semester that I have not been able to send out emails to keep in touch, let a lone make a phone call to just say... "Hey". I am honestly honored to have so many people to support and encourage us and so I have decided to create this blog page so that everyone could log on and catch up on what and how Kahlai and I are doing. We hope you all enjoy!