I know it is... I know that I should be beaming with Joy celebrating the birth of our savior, but for a moment I am sentimental... emotional... and only thinking of sad things (and myself) for some reason. I guess now that my mind isn't on auto-pilot anymore... it's hitting home for me that the holidays will be split 50/50 from now on. Kahlai goes to his dad's for an entire weekend on Friday and I am beside myself, I've cried on and off all day. I saw Kerron in the car with their dad tonight and I begged him to let me give him a hug, or at least tell him that I love and miss him, he wouldn't... said I walked out on Kerron too when I left his dad and therefore I can't speak to him anymore. What- ever... Kerron I will find a way sugar... I miss you. I know the picture is old.. but it's one of my favorites... it reminds me of our special times when we were a family... well at least me, you and brother... good times.. and lots of picnics!
So I started thinking back to the last Christmas we all had together, and not that it was a good memory... but it was the last holiday we had together. Then I started thinking of what it would be like to be getting ready for a cozy holiday as a family instead of exchanging our child in a parking lot. Remembering what it was like to have family get-togethers instead of attending single mom meetings. And not that I don't like going, I love Helping Hands for Single Moms... they are ANGELS!!!!! Sometimes I just wish I wasn't one... and could give my son more... like a family... a mom AND dad.. in the same home and not on opposing ends of a court room.
My heart is sad for my son and his brother. I can't imagine what kind of sense they make of all of this. I am encouraged to know that in the end, they will understand... it may take a while, (deep breath) but they will understand... they will see.. that I loved them both too much to maintain that sort of spiritual pollution in my home.
For now, I will keep praying for the spirits of:
WISDOM: to help me to know the difference between what my mind, my heart and what God wants in each choice I make.
STRENGTH: to keep me strong when I want to fall apart at a slight suggestion.
COURAGE: to continue in this battle suited and booted in God's Armor and KNOW that HIS will will be done.
CLARITY: to see through the lies and manipulation.
OBEDIENCE: to the Lord for my son and myself. It is hard having to be the spiritual leader when I am still growing in my own relationship with God.... well.. do you ever stop growing? I think not.. but if the Lord had a basic training.. I think I would still be filling in my boots. It is hard to walk by him everyday when sometimes I want to be bitter and angry. I get frustrated as a mom and when my son won't listen to me I want to get mad that his dad is not around to back me up in healthy discipline. Then I eat a big slice of humble pie and remember why I am here, like this today... it was a choice that I made.. not HIM. I hope that when I die and am sitting down at the Golden Gates... that they have a show kind of like America's funniest home videos... and the show is called something like "FREE Will isn't CHEAP" and they show all the silly things I did and the lesson to follow... and I hope at that moment that God and I can sit back with an Angel Food cake and laugh about the whole thing... knowing that I had to go through it all to be close to Him.
FORGIVENESS: because even though I have forgiven once, does not mean that the same feelings don't come up when provoked... I have to remember that I have forgiven... and sometimes I am realizing that I have to forgive multiple times for the SAME THING! There are just some things that don't go away... for instance; Someone cuts in front of you in a line... forgiven! vs. Someone leverages a child from you as your "lesson" for breaking up with them... NOT SO EASILY FORGIVEN!
If you are one of the many that are praying for me through these times, these are some of the things that you can pray for... and if you are praying for other things... I would like to know what they are... please email me and tell me. I am interested to know if I'm missing anything important.. or what you may think I need... perhaps I should be praying for that too!?
I wish I could have made it to church tonight.... I think that now that school is out... I'm going to start attending some of the classes held at my church during the weekdays...Ahhh yes... I've been eyeing those bulletins at church all semester long... now is my chance... and I am blessed to be able to go.... thanks Mom!
Ok ok, enough blogging for today... time for bed now... and look! It's before 3am!
NICE! Tomorrow... a fun event with HHSMs... it's so nice to get out and get dressed up then filled up with encouragement... especially when I need it the most... like right now.... in my most emotional moments... during the holidays. Mmm Hmm... need encouragement.... and eggnog........ and FUDGE.. LOTS of homemade fudge!
So I started thinking back to the last Christmas we all had together, and not that it was a good memory... but it was the last holiday we had together. Then I started thinking of what it would be like to be getting ready for a cozy holiday as a family instead of exchanging our child in a parking lot. Remembering what it was like to have family get-togethers instead of attending single mom meetings. And not that I don't like going, I love Helping Hands for Single Moms... they are ANGELS!!!!! Sometimes I just wish I wasn't one... and could give my son more... like a family... a mom AND dad.. in the same home and not on opposing ends of a court room.
My heart is sad for my son and his brother. I can't imagine what kind of sense they make of all of this. I am encouraged to know that in the end, they will understand... it may take a while, (deep breath) but they will understand... they will see.. that I loved them both too much to maintain that sort of spiritual pollution in my home.
For now, I will keep praying for the spirits of:
WISDOM: to help me to know the difference between what my mind, my heart and what God wants in each choice I make.
STRENGTH: to keep me strong when I want to fall apart at a slight suggestion.
COURAGE: to continue in this battle suited and booted in God's Armor and KNOW that HIS will will be done.
CLARITY: to see through the lies and manipulation.
OBEDIENCE: to the Lord for my son and myself. It is hard having to be the spiritual leader when I am still growing in my own relationship with God.... well.. do you ever stop growing? I think not.. but if the Lord had a basic training.. I think I would still be filling in my boots. It is hard to walk by him everyday when sometimes I want to be bitter and angry. I get frustrated as a mom and when my son won't listen to me I want to get mad that his dad is not around to back me up in healthy discipline. Then I eat a big slice of humble pie and remember why I am here, like this today... it was a choice that I made.. not HIM. I hope that when I die and am sitting down at the Golden Gates... that they have a show kind of like America's funniest home videos... and the show is called something like "FREE Will isn't CHEAP" and they show all the silly things I did and the lesson to follow... and I hope at that moment that God and I can sit back with an Angel Food cake and laugh about the whole thing... knowing that I had to go through it all to be close to Him.
FORGIVENESS: because even though I have forgiven once, does not mean that the same feelings don't come up when provoked... I have to remember that I have forgiven... and sometimes I am realizing that I have to forgive multiple times for the SAME THING! There are just some things that don't go away... for instance; Someone cuts in front of you in a line... forgiven! vs. Someone leverages a child from you as your "lesson" for breaking up with them... NOT SO EASILY FORGIVEN!
If you are one of the many that are praying for me through these times, these are some of the things that you can pray for... and if you are praying for other things... I would like to know what they are... please email me and tell me. I am interested to know if I'm missing anything important.. or what you may think I need... perhaps I should be praying for that too!?
I wish I could have made it to church tonight.... I think that now that school is out... I'm going to start attending some of the classes held at my church during the weekdays...Ahhh yes... I've been eyeing those bulletins at church all semester long... now is my chance... and I am blessed to be able to go.... thanks Mom!
Ok ok, enough blogging for today... time for bed now... and look! It's before 3am!
NICE! Tomorrow... a fun event with HHSMs... it's so nice to get out and get dressed up then filled up with encouragement... especially when I need it the most... like right now.... in my most emotional moments... during the holidays. Mmm Hmm... need encouragement.... and eggnog........ and FUDGE.. LOTS of homemade fudge!
..And you need to come over to the Williams home for our early Christmas celebration! Can't wait!:)
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