This is the day that the Lord has made..

And Tomorrow is the day I will be most dependant on him...

(Deep Breath)... tomorrow is the trial so please pray that God puts favor on Kahlai and I. After weeks and months of preparing and many thousands of dollars, I have realized that this is not the end. What will i do for the next 15 years? Hopefully i will not be shelling out 6 grand a year to an attorney!

I need some help. So if you are reading this and you have some suggestion, please feel free to share. Here are my questions:

1. How do you respond to a child who is acting out... when you know that it is because of the confusion that is stirred up by the other parent?

2. How do you communicate with someone that yells at you all the time, tries to make you feel inadequate and then harasses you about your unwillingness to cooperate with what they feel is the right thing? and how is it that some people are genuinely convinced that there cannot be any other way than their own? I am not to judge, but to me this sounds like someone that doesn't know our Lord and savior, because HIS way should be the only way..... our way means nothing and leads to destruction. I know that i am responsible for my side of the communication, but if he is not willing to budge an inch or even give me the common courtesy to finish a sentence, I gotta tell you... I am pretty burned out on being "talked to", belittled and demeaned by this man. I don't intend on volunteering to be abused again, but there has got to be some way... oh yes.. pray. I do... but there must be other things I can try.

3. Why does this have to be so hard???? It tears me up to think that my consequence for stepping out side of God's protection with Kevin resulted in my son paying most of the price. When he falls a sleep, I can't help sometimes but to watch his peaceful face, cry and apologize to him. I'm soooo sorry Son, if Mommy never wanted anything like this for you. I wish that I could just pay the price and be done.... and exempt my son from the Storm.

4. I want this to GO AWAY! In a perfect world, Kevin would have been a great man, we would have been married, picket fence and a happy family. But in our world, he is different, I tried my best to hang in there, and now it is a battle that is way out of my realm. I am not the fighting type. I do not like to argue and would rather just go to sleep and wake up to a different life for my son.... at least .....where mommies and daddies all get a long and can communicate as friends. Weekend visits are fun and holidays aren't so hard. We all set aside differences and just focus on being parents.. and..... family. After all... we are still family.. in a way. I don't hate him... I just don't understand why he can't be more mature in his approach to parenting. I assume that since he first had a kid when he was a kid, that he just never grew up.... perhaps he never will. For my son's sake I hope he does.

So tomorrow is the day. Please pray for us... and most importantly, please pray for Kevin's heart.... a hedge of protection around Kahlai and for me.... I'm not sure what i need. .. perhaps just God to come down and give me a big hug!... and wisdom, courage and understanding.

to be cont.....