Here come the clouds...

So after I post the last blog... right after i claim sunshine.... the clouds rolled in.. I mean literally.. after I claim that the sun chines brighter today... it started to rain both literally and emotionally.

Perhaps Van Gogh was thinking this exact same thing when he painted Starry night. Perhaps it is the darkness rolling in over twinkles of promises of a new day to come....because today i could have sworn at one point in time that it felt just like that.

I have realized that I need help. A LOT OF HELP. I no longer have a daycare provider ... so I can't go to school now... or at least that is what is on my plate. I feel guilty for even trying to go to school, but I know that I have to be able to do something that will give me some mental relief, even though it doesn't seem like having homework would be relief... doing homework would be a mental break from being constantly tormented by people regarding my son... or what is going to happen.

And let's be honest here, Kahlai has been my focus all this time going through school!!!! He is the reason I strive to do so well!!! He is the reason why I try so dang hard to be so accomplished!!! i don't feel that just because he is ill now that I should have to give up my dream of being an accomplished woman... and being able to provide a better life for him.

Well, I see now that his dad saw the bigger picture... all this time I was blinded, but he saw it as clear as day. He saw the avenue of which he could use to try and make me fail. I don't like to think bad things of any one's intent, but I do not feel in my heart of hearts that we are on the same side here... be it emotionally or spiritually.

While in the hospital, i didn't realize really what was happening. I couldn't really see what was going on on the outside until i got home. My first day home with my disabled child and i realize that my whole life has just been flipped upside down.

I cannot cook and let him play... instead the bacon burned this morning because I have to keep my eyes on him every second.

I couldn't get my paperwork turned in to get some assistance paying for all of these bills... Kevin has insurance... but my financial aid doesn't cover "in case your child develops epilepsy"

My school is suddenly asking for me to repay my grant! I have to find a new class to enroll in.. and it is already almost a month into the semester.. it should be illegal for them to do this to me!!!!

Now that they have made it difficult for me to go to school, I have no one to watch Kahlai anyway so I am melting down at this point. I can't blame her for not wanting to. I would be very nervous watching him too if I knew that I had other kids to take care of. Kahlai needs one on one care... someone who can just be at his side all day... and not doing anything else.

His dad has I guess decided that on top of all of this, he is going to make me feel like a selfish jerk for wanting to continue on in school. Sure, he gets to continue on with work, the only way he is effected is emotionally... he gets to cry on his girlfriend's shoulder... get all of the emotional support he needs and then have all the time in the world to research on the Internet and make me feel like a bad mom for not having the time to do any of that!!!!!

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream and cry ALL OF THE TIME RIGHT NOW!

This after noon Kahlai head butted me in the nose and gave me a bloody nose... awesome.

Then i talk to my friend Michelle who is very familiar with what I am going through because she has had MORE challenges with her son than I could imagine...

She encourages me, offers to help and I think.. How the heck can you help anyone else? I could not imagine trying to help someone right now... my mom asked me to do her a favor this morning and just when I thought it would be no big deal (because it shouldn't be)... i instantly felt overealmed!!! I just can't help anyone!!! She is an angel and offered to make phone calls for me... offered to get some things organized and some resources available to me. i didn't know there were people like her on this earth.I have never in my life had anyone just jump up in my life and barely knowing me, do SO MUCH for me... sooo much! I'm sure that it's not that other people wouldn't want to, it's that she already is on the inside track with all of the epilepsy resources and sort of knows what my options are.......Thank you Michelle.

So she gives me some things to do, and some encouragement. It feels good to talk to someone that has and IS going through this and more! At the same time I find her to be absolutely amazing for finding the time to help me.

I can't believe my solid ray of optimism this morning turned into a hedge of depression by the end of the day... sounds like God woke me up with a promise this morning and the Devil is trying his best to stop it.

Well, i must say, he is doing a good job at it because I melted down... I don't think I've cried this hard yet since I found out about my son's condition... and i hear that it's okay for us moms to let go and be human every now and then... I guess I'll hang up my pretend cape and just be me tonight...and perhaps I should just pray for hours... because i think that God and I need to have a little talk about not giving me more than i can handle... I'm just not sure that I am cut out for all of this.. perhaps he could cut me some slack?