What kind of mother am I?

So as if Kahlai didn't have a hard enough time today... with a spinal tap, a hearing test, being restrained for an eye exam (which had to be rescheduled) and all of the pokes here and about 25 different faces he's had up in HIS face today......

I decided to give him a bath. He can't really stand on his own right now as he has absolutely no balance, and very little strength (execpt for when he is getting an IVchanged or blood drawn... then all of a sudden he has SUPER strength!). So I wrap uo his IV getup in a bag and tape it all over... thought I did a pretty smooth job and was very proud of myself.... after feeling so stifled of my motherly instincts, I felt like a Dr. Mom again.. problem solving to make my little one feel better. I had the nurses bring in this extremely oversized baby bath and Kahlai fit nicely in it... so I make him a bubble bath... he looked so relaxed.. I mean for the first time I felt so good as a mommy that I actually was able to to do something for him that brought him some comfort other than just hold him... and in a second that joy was gone!


The night quickly declined when I saw water in his baggie that was supposed to PROTECT his IV!!!!! I instantly knew we would have to redo it... it was soaked... and I ( as strong as I have been these past couple of days...) just about fell apart... just about but told myself not to be a baby.

So I got him ready for bed... or better said.. relaxed and waiting for the team of nurses to come in, help me restrain him for the 4th time to redo his IV.. AHHH!H!H!HH!HH!H!

So after that trauma was over... we chilled out for a while.. then I realized.. we ordered our dinner at 6:15. So much had happened that I lost track of time. At 8:30 I was like " where the heck is your dinner Kahlai"? So I asked the nurse..

So they didn't bring it.. instead they gave us not even HALF of what we ordered.. so everything that Kahlai wouldn't want that I would be trying to get him to eat.. and none of the things that I ordered to get him to eat those things.. they brought the sour cream and butter.. no roll and baked potato.. you know... stuff like that.

So then I gave him a fish stick.. he had a seizure so he couldn't finish it.. tried a piece of bread when I thought he was alert.. no luck. so a few minutes later I stuck te straw in his mouth with a desparate attempt to get him to drink the pedia sure....

He drank it! YAY! I again started to feel that as a mother I had made some prgress with my son... until he held a mouth ful and wouldn't swallow.... only to about 3 minutes later... SPIT IT OUT ALL OVER THE BED, HIMSELF, and the BRAND NEW IV DRESSING!!!

Oh no.... I am NOT joking...

So here we go again... I am tired... and I am trying so hard to be strong... but i fell apart... I had to for the first time, just sit on the side of the bed and watch him with the rails up..

What kind of mother am I!!?!?!?!?

I'm not supposed to be fed up! Not this soon! I feel like a failure at this already!!!!! I'm just going to pray for more patience... and hope that we find a solution.. I can't tel lyou how hard it is to sit there and watch your child have seizre after seizure... then hallucinate and talkto people that aren't there... perhaps they are angels.... perhaps they are hoping i get my act together and shape up.

Perhaps I need to just pray... and be honest with how I feel right now instead of trying to be strong for everyone around me...

Perhaps I have no flipping clue what is really going on or how I feel... perhaps I just need to get a clue... this isn't about me... it's about Kahlai.. not about me at all. i am selfish.
What kind of mother am I?