They didn't say this was going to be easy

Actually, he didn't really say much at all. I am realizing from talking to this person and that person and this department and... deep breath... that I have been handed a problem with out much direction to where the solution is. My computer has been shipped out from Best Buy since Jan 5th! My other computer with CAD on it is fried and I am trying to find a way to fix it... so I haven't turned anything in since the first week of the semester... I can see the patience wearing thin on my intructors face at sschool.. oh boy.

So I am petitioning for a refund for my guitar class... $320 that i am supposed to not get back.. but i am going to turn in that petition and CLAIM that money back! i only had ONE LESSON!

So my new focus is on Kahlai's behavior.. he is severely hyperactive at times and I am having a hard time determining what is defiant behavior.. or what is a side efeect to meds... or if he is not being a good listener because he is having an absence seizure... this is hard... and quite frankly it's pretty frusterating. I feel the need for a live in neurologist.. Know one?

I need a nanny or a sitter so that I can go to school. I am feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I have lost focus. I have fallen into a dark pool of water and can't see the upward traveling bubbles.. so I have just taken a moment to feel weightless .. even just for a moment.. I do this by watching a movie and forgetting everything around me. I haven't blogged much since I have been so busy trying to get every detail covered and get a solution in route for school and Kahlai.

I am tired. I don't really sleep. I catch myself waking up every hour or 30 minutes... don't know why.. just do. So now I am tired and can't get caught up on rest... Im sure that I will soon.. in the mean time, I think i have become resistant to caffiene. Rock Stars, Monster drinks, coffee and my favorite.... Tea. All of these I try.. All of these fail and I just plop down on the couch or on the bed and begin to wonder why I feel filled with lead.

"You are going through a lot Angelique"... and just when i think this makes sense, I still don't know why my energy level is off. I have been trying to get my mind off of things... hoping to come back home and feel "rejuvenated" "refreshed" and " a better mommy" according to some people and their opinions of what would be "good" for me.

I am afraid to report that i am emotionally spent... however, I can still cry occasionally... not out of sadness.. not sure why i cry.. just do.

On a positive note.. Kahlai is doing better.. his seizures are decreasing and he is remembering things like how to spell his name and colors. He is THE DEFINITION of a handful... I guess this is good... lol. I think I said that I would give anything to have my boy back.. well.. praise God he is pretty much back.. however, he is still different... very different and we are both trying to find ways of embracing these changes.

I'll try to write more later,

Angelique